Home | Facing Terminal Illness | What My Clients Say | About Viv | Contact

Vivienne Simon, JD, CPCC
Coaching Clarity into Action

"One of the key outcomes has been that my brother and I have successfully teamed to place our ailing, and aged mother in a nursing home that worked for all of us in every way. Thank you doesn't begin to express my gratitude for helping us find a great solution to a heart-breaking problem."

Erika

"I will always be grateful to you for your wisdom and support in the wake of my mother's death. You approach our conversations with a potent combination of spiritual understanding and extremely practical advice."

Amelia

"Your spirited support through my personal healing journey has been a true gift. I will be forever grateful I have your loving presence in my life."
    Margie Levine, author
SURVIVING CANCER

"You are truly built for this sacred work."
Morgaine

Illness, Recovery, Dying OnYour Own Terms

NO ONE IS EVER PREPARED FOR A TERMINAL DIAGNOSIS

I have looked into the eyes of 3 of my closest friends and listened to each one say, "It's cancer and the prognosis isn't good." I know first hand, there are few things more terrifying than a life-threatening diagnosis. Whether it's you or someone you love who receives it your familiar world is gone in an instant. This is shocking and disorienting. Suddenly, life is thrown completely off course. All you want to do is slow things down, close off the world and try to make sense of what's happening. BUT YOU CAN'T. There's too much that needs to get done, all at once:

• find a second opinion
• learn everything you can about the illness
• choose what, if any, medical interventions make sense
• notify loved ones
• figure out how to help the children who will be affected
• decide about working
• get important legal documents in order
• make financial plans, etc.

Responding to a catastrophic diagnosis is a complicated, tiring and extremely emotional journey into uncertainty.  Life can quickly become overwhelming and chaotic, leaving you little time to feel all the emotions, fears, and needs that are screaming just beneath the surface, including the possibility that no matter how good a fight is fought, these may be the finals days for you or your loved one.

Though illness and death are a part of everyone's life, they continue to be taboo subjects in our society. If you are ill, you may feel that talking openly would be burdensome to others. If you are caring for someone, you may feel that your needs and fears are minor in comparison. It's painfully poignant to love someone so much that out of fear, you shut down and risk missing a crucial opportunity to be in loving contact them when they most need it. 

FINDING LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS OF ILLNESS

Terminal illness is an assault on life. Though it seems like the darkest of times, what begins as a terrifying rupture in the fabric of life can transform into one of extraordinary authenticity, love, sharing, courage and peace, even when there is disability, pain and discomfort.

By talking openly and honestly about everyone's deepest fears and needs, the atmosphere softens and becomes more open, creating a space for greater intimacy, compassion and tenderness.  By deepening your relationship to both yourself and your loved ones, it becomes easier to stay positive, mobilize inner resources, look realistically at the options, and make your best, informed choices.  Chaos and anxiety are transformed into acceptance and calmness, and together you are able to move forward and do what needs to be done.

Miracles happen every day, and there are those who, despite all odds, will recover, and they will be forever changed by their experience. Moving forward and rebuilding your life means creating a lifestyle to stay healthy and adjust to possible new limitations. It also requires conducting an inner inventory to discover what’s most important to you now, and allowing yourself to be guided by the person you have become. It will impact every aspect of your life in amazing ways, some easy, some challenging.

Death is the end of life. Dying is the final stage of living. Most terminally ill people will eventually either choose to discontinue fighting for their life or will be unsuccessful, despite all best efforts. Making peace with the reality of impending death allows you to bring mindfulness, grace and comfort to the dying process. You can die with dignity and peace, having had the chance to close out your life in the ways that feel right for you. And if you've lost someone you dearly love, you can move more gently through your grief.  Extraordinary moments of forgiveness and healing occur between people at the end of life.

PREDICTABLE CHALLENGES AND OPPORTUNITIES

To fully embrace this journey, it helps to have someone supporting and guiding you who is familiar, experienced and comfortable with illness and death. I help terminally ill people and their loved ones navigate the hills and valleys of this incredible time.

While everyone's experience is unique, there are predictable challenges and opportunities:

1) FINDING BALANCE AND COURAGE IN THE MIDST OF FEAR: YOUR TOUCHSTONE FOR THE JOURNEY AHEAD

It is typical, upon learning of a terminal diagnosis, to find it difficult to accept and integrate the full magnitude of what lies ahead. As you begin to allow the possibility that this might be for real, as fear and anxiety grow, it is typical to seek comfort and control in a situation over which you have very little control.

Shutting down emotionally and/or withdrawing physically are extremely common. To be fully present for yourself and those you love requires moving even further out of your comfort zone into unfamiliar and often frightening emotional territory. You may find yourself thinking or saying "I don't know if I can do this," or even, I can't do this."

By connecting to your deepest hunger to live and love fully, you find the courage you need to stay fully present. By discovering and connecting fully with the part of you that is willing and able to rise above your fears, you gain access to the power and energy needed to keep you true to your heart's yearning. This connection provides you a touchstone to support you and help you stay on track, no matter what the journey ahead.

2) MANAGING THE EXTERNAL CHAOS: CREATING A "NEW NORMAL" IN SHORT ORDER

There is such a myriad of tasks and relationships that suddenly need attention, you can find getting it all done suffocating at a time when you are already emotionally overwhelmed. And once word begins to spread among your friends and family you will also be responding to calls, emails, and people dropping by who want to be included, informed, and useful, and their fears can often blind them to the burden it puts on you to manage all their needs and requests.

I will help you bring order to all this by walking with you through the things you need to consider, and providing options for addressing them, including legal forms, websites for organizing communication with your community, and other resources that will free you up to focus on what's most important to you.

3) MANAGING YOUR INTERNAL CHAOS: GENTLY MELTING THE PLACES WHERE YOU NORMALLY FREEZE, AND LEARNING FROM THE PLACES THAT SCARE YOU

Despite the best of intentions to be present and available, you may find yourself feeling extremely uncomfortable talking about difficult issues that need to be discussed. You may find yourself avoiding seeing someone because you don't know what to say or how to behave. Differences of opinions may get buried and linger unresolved. You may feel you are falling apart and feel badly that you're not showing up the way you wish you could, and feeling badly about yourself. It's not unusual to isolate, numb out with food, alcohol, tv, or drugs. You may become extremely busy and fill up all your time. Or you may feel paralyzed, or tired, or ill.

Bringing mindfulness to these places where you go on automatic pilot and freeze up or disappear, and identifying the emotions and fears that are causing you such distress, starts to soften them. Using a variety of gentle cognitive and body-centered techniques you will learn to recognize the sensations, emotions, beliefs and behaviors that have been keeping you from feeling the places that deeply scare you; places you normally rush past. It is essential to learn how to relax into the stuckness to move through it.

It takes practice to become truly skillful in catching yourself as you move away from yourself or others, and the reward is well worth it. You begin to access a new level of resourcefulness, a wiser, more competent part of yourself emerges and you learn the pleasure and gifts of being fully present. It is only when you stop pushing that you have the opportunity to discover your capacity to ably meet and manage your fears, and to access the gifts that have been disowned in the process of shutting down.

4) EASING INTO DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS: MAKING SACRED SPACE FOR GROUP WIDSOM TO EMERGE

To truly take charge of all the decisions and changes that are involved at the end of life, and to feel confident that you are making the best choices, requires speaking openly and frankly about things that can be hard to talk about. Most of us have learned to jump directly to "what do we do" and the discussion often ends up being a match to see who can convince everyone else to do things their way. What is called for, instead, are more delicate conversations, in which everyone's feelings and opinions can be heard, without judgment, before decisions are made.

In every relationship there is a space between people which offers guidance from it's own perspective. I facilitate the creation of a safe atmosphere in which all voices can be heard, and out of the collective wisdom of all, the best options and choices emerge.

5) LIFE AFTER A TERMINAL ILLNESS -- WHO HAVE YOU BECOME?

Anyone who has fought for their life and won is changed by the experience, and so are those close to them, in both exhilarating and difficult ways. Taking stock of who you are becoming is a process that unfolds over time, as you take steps to rebuild your life.

Many people find they now want a life that is more fulfilling and meaningful, and relationships that are more authentic. They want work that is satisfying and a lifestyle that is healthy. They want a balanced life that honors what is most dear to them. They may need to make lifestyle changes to accommodate new physical limitations, and they may need to let go of activities and people that drain their energy.

Discovering what you want from life after a serious illness is a beautiful exploration. I can help you recognize and appreciate how you've grown. And I can help you create a new vision of what a good life would be like for you now, and help you attain it. By taking the time to find out what you want and then creating goals and strategies for getting it, you take back the control over your life that you lost when illness pulled you away from the life you had.

6) TAPPING INTO THE GREAT MYSTERY: SPIRITUALITY AND THE SEARCH FOR MEANING

We are each part of an infinite web of life, interconnected at the cellular level since the big bang, to every other cell in the universe, stretching across eons and galaxies. The ending of a life invites all those touched by that ending to engage the larger questions of life, death and the cosmos:

Who am I beyond my body? What is death? How does it happen? Is it painful? What lies beyond death? What is my purpose? What does it mean to live a full life? An ethical life? What is my legacy? Do I have a soul? What about reincarnation? What does my religion offer? Do I want to speak to a minister, rabbi or other pastoral counselor? Are there rituals to ease me into death? How do I close out my life? What about forgiveness? What about karma? What about the white light? Is there redemption?

For some it will be a new exploration, for others a deepening of their spirituality. While humanity has been seeking and recording answers to these and other questions for thousands of years, ultimately, each of us finds our own answers. I have been exploring these questions all my life and welcome joining you in this deeply human search for meaning.

7) INDIVIDUAL AND GROUP RITUALS FOR GRIEF AND HEALING

There are rituals and practices, both during illness and after death, to help bring closure and ease your broken heart. I help you create rituals that offer healing and comfort. One of the most powerful of these are healing circles, which are done with the person dying and their sacred circle of dearest friends and family. I have facilitated many of these extraordinary experiences and find they bring deep healing to everyone participating. I also help design memorial events, as well as other grief and remembrance activities.

Everyone grieves in his or her own way and time, and finding your way and time may be best done with help and support. What I've learned is that those who attend mindfully to their grief move through it faster, and become more skillful at living as well.

As you move through the grieving process, you can eventually reach a place of gratitude for the incredible gift it was to have had this person in your life. When that happens, you are able to gradually shift your attention from sorrow over what you have lost to gratitude for what you had and for what remains and life itself becomes more precious, as you open to the miracles of everyday life that are always all around you, but are often overlooked.

8) RESOLVING FAMILY DISPUTES AND COMING BACK TOGETHER: ENSURING ONE LOSS DOESN’T TURN INTO MANY

Death is the natural ending of life. Broken families are not. Attending to open communication during the dying process is the best way you can lay the groundwork for the decision-making that often follows someone's death. And even with the best of intentions, some issues are hot points that are not easily resolved. These often involve the distribution of assets, including who controls the non-material legacy of someone's life. These issues have deep roots in your family's history, and resolving them often requires, at a minimum, acknowledging sticky places that have been deliberatively brushed under the family rug.

I help families skillfully enter these delicate conversations and create the best opportunity for coming together and bringing connection, and hopefully harmony, back to the family. It is devastating enough to lose someone you love; it is shattering to then lose your family as well. I bring professional guidance to these conversations, to help you avoid this happening in your family.

GETTING HELP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE!

You don't have to struggle through this alone! I have cared for friends and family from diagnosis through treatments, and through hospice and death. I have been a companion and guide to my clients. I know the landscape first hand.

I offer compassionate, practical, professional support and guidance for people who are ill and their inner circle of caregivers, so together you can move more consciously and lovingly through this challenging time.

If you are facing a terminal illness, or caring for someone who is, contact me now for a complimentary consultation and find out how much better you'll feel talking to someone who truly understands what you're going through and knows how to help you.